Day 14 Relax

Day 14: Relax:

It can be very difficult to shift from a state of anxiety or stress into a state of relaxation, but with deliberate, conscious effort, it can be done.  It can be easier to relax when we start having a regular relaxation practice each day.

List all the safe behaviors that help you relax, e.g. taking a bubble bath, listening to your favorite music and getting a massage, etc.

Every day, choose one behavior to help you relax and explore how that made you feel afterwards.

The next time you feel stressed or anxious, write down what the trigger was, and then practice your relationship exercises.  Allow relaxation exercises to become a part of your daily life.

By calming down your nervous system, we send signals, or messages, to the brain that we are safe.  These messages are eventually received, and the anxiety and panic fades away.

Just slowing down our breathing sends a message.  Tensing and release our muscles sends a message.  The physiological benefits we receive when we are very calm during a guided meditation send messages.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 13 Tapping into the Wise Mind

Day 3:  Tapping into the Wise Mind:

Image your Wise Mind as the intersection between our Emotional Mind and our Reasonable Mind (Linehan, 1993).

Wise Mind, takes our emotional and rational thoughts into consideration and helps us find middle ground that will help us effectively cope with or get through a situation.

When under distress, choose to stay in the present moment and use your Wise Mind to stay calm and not make the situation worse.  Realize that you are now safe, and am able to take care of yourself.

When you use your Wise Mind, you can come up with decisions from a place of wisdom instead of completely based on emotions or completely based on facts.  From this place of honor, mindfulness, and consideration, we are more likely to make helpful decisions rather than sabotage.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 12 Think Dialectically

Day 12:  Think Dialectically:

Sometimes we may experience the struggle between one part of us having a desire or thought, and another part of us experiencing the polar opposite desire or thought.  e.g. “I hate you”, and “I don’t want you to leave me”.

This may be distressing and become difficult to make a wise decision.  We may see our options as severely limited to the two polar opposite, black or white options that are coming to mind at the moment. Take some deep breaths, and tell yourself “Let me try to find the shades of grey”.

When we think in just black and white, we have only two extreme options.  We may end up feeling trapped and anxious.  Learn to compromise and find other options in the middle ground.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 11 Work on a Relationship

Day 11: Work on a Relationship:

One of the skills in the Interpersonal Effectiveness module is “Attending to Relationships”. Learn to work on a relationship and to maintain it long-term.

If you are harboring any resentment over things that have been happening in relationships that you value, then think about the items you are harboring as well as why you may be holding them. Next, write some pros and cons of sharing vs not sharing the information (in a respectful, calm and caring way) with the other person.

Learn to reach out in trust and develop & maintain friendships.  When we value these connections, we are less likely to sabotage them.

 Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 10 Improve the Moment

Day 10:  Improve the Moment:

Improving the Moment is a skill under the Distress Tolerance module in DBT.  These are skills to help you cope with distress when you are in a crisis and there is nothing you can do at the moment to improve the actual situation that is upsetting you.  Thus, we learn the accept that the circumstance is what it is at present and work on improving the present moment to make it a bit more tolerable while we wait for the storm to pass.

Here is the acronym for this skill set:

I = Imagery – Do a guided imagery meditation.  Imagine a safe place that you can feel soothed and relaxed.
M = Meaning – Think about the purpose or value in what we are experiencing.  This can be a difficult one to achieve while in the heat of the situation, but it is possible.  Think about any good that can come out of this situation.
P = Prayer – Open up to the possibility to reach out to God, or even your own Wise Mind.  Turn things over to your higher power, and reach out in prayer for support, guidance and help letting go.
R = Relaxation – Let yourself relax!  Try a muscle tension and relaxation exercise such as the “Progressive Muscle Relaxation” technique.  Focus on slowing down your breathing and counting your breaths.
O = One thing in the moment – This skill was practiced in Day 3.  Remember:  just this moment, just this breath. Worrying about things that might happen in the future will not help you now, nor will dwelling in the past. Get busy focusing on something in the here now, and give it all of your attention.
V = (a) brief Vacation – A brief vacation can refresh us.  Sometimes a spontaneous overnight stay at a hotel or by the ocean or a bed and breakfast can help break the monotony and improve our mood.  You can even take an imaginary vacation using guided meditations or guided imagery exercises.
E = Encouragement – Remind yourself that like everything else you’ve been through, this situation is temporary and will pass.

(Linehan, 1993)

How does practicing “Improve the Moment” help us to Stop Sabotaging?

We may have come to believe that we deserve suffering.  It’s not true.  When we begin to allow ourselves to have moments of happiness, even amidst a storm, we send new messages to ourselves that we are worthy of happiness, feeling well, and taking good care of ourselves.

This self-love and self-care helps us to improve our situation rather than making it worse by sabotaging.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 9 Opposite Action

Day 9:  Opposite Action:

When you feel like lashing out, or not following through on things that you should be doing, then the DBT skill of “Opposite Action” can help change the course of this experience for the better.

With Opposite Action, you act in a way that is opposite to your emotional urge, e.g. If you feel like lashing out at your partner, then the OppositeAaction would be to show some kindness.

If you’re upset and the other person is also snapping at you, then being kind may seem very counter-intuitive.  You don’t have to go to the extreme and be phony with yourself and the other person.  Just showing a bit of kindness will do.  This helps you both to shift gears and not be stuck in the anger mode.  If the other person is not receptive, just breathe, accept that you’ve tried, and don’t let it ruin your day.

Opposite Action is most often recommended when our emotional impulse seems out of proportion to whatever has triggered the emotion.  Even when our response is very well in proportion to the trigger, practicing Opposite Action helps to prevent making the situation worse and to regulate our emotions.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 8 Respect Yourself

Day 8:  Respect Yourself:

Learn to keep your self-respect intact when interacting with others.

Use the acronym FAST:

F = (be) Fair – Use fairness in dealing with both yourself and others.
A = (no) Apologies – You have a right to have your needs met.  There is no need to apologize for speaking your mind respectfully.
S = Stick to Values – If you are aware of any values you have around the situation at hand, respect those.  If someone tries to get you to go against your values, let them know that you will not.
T = (be) Truthful – Stay in the truth.  Avoid falling into the “victim” mentality of someone who needs to be rescued, to lie, or to exaggerate to get your needs met.  You’ll respect yourself more if you avoid these behaviors and just stick to the truth.

(Linehan, 1993)

By honoring our values, we live in integrity and have positive emotions towards ourselves.  We end up caring more about our well-being and the outcome of our lives.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 7 Be A Dear

Day 7:  Be a Dear:

Relationships are an important part of life.  It can be very challenging and emotionally draining for many with emotion regulation issues.

In DBT, there are many skills under the “Interpersonal Effectiveness” module.  When interacting with others, ask yourself which of the following goals you wish to accomplish:

  1.  Getting What You Want
  2.  Keeping a Good Relationship
  3.  Keeping your Self-Respect

Today, exercise on getting what you want.  Many of us feel that we don’t deserve to get what we want.  With the DEAR MAN skills, we learn to assertively, though gently, ask for what we need in a way that is healthy and kind to both ourselves and the other person.

D = Describe – Describe the situation in term of what you are hoping to achieve.
E = Express – Express your thoughts and how you feel about the situation.
A = Assert – Clearly ask for what you want, and firmly but respectfully say no if you are being asked to do something you don’t want to do.
R = Reinforce – Reinforce your point of view by explaining what good or negative results will come from you not getting what you’re asking for.  Also reinforce the positive results by thanking the person in advance.

Keep Focused on the outcome that you want.

M = Mindful – Stay mindful of being respectful to both yourself and the other person.  Also, accept if it seems that the situation isn’t going to go your way this time.  You’ve done all of the right things to assert yourself in a healthy way.
A = Appear Confident – e.g. no over-apologizing.
N = Negotiate – If things did not go as you hoped, see if there is a way to negotiate – give up a little bit of what you sought to achieve if it will cause the other person to meet you part way.

(Linehan, 1993)

Be PROUD of yourself!  Asking for your needs to be met or telling someone that you can’t do something that they want you to do might be very new experiences for you.  Keep practicing, and remember to “Be A Dear” when you do.

How does being assertive in our relationships with others help us to Stop Sabotaging?

People who suffer from emotion regulation issues may have never learned clear boundaries.  We may have had our boundaries violated time and time again.  From this perspective, it is easy to perceive ourselves as being the ‘victim’.

We can now choose to stand tall, take care of ourselves, and decide how we will let other people treat us.  By learning to become assertive, we can avoid passive-aggressive behaviors and bottling up our frustrations.

We feel empowered and can be respectful towards ourselves and to others, and thus stop self-destructive behaviors.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

 

Day 6 Build Positive Experiences

Day 6:  Build Positive Experiences:

Come up with a list of activities that make or might make you happy.  Schedule at least one day in advance, one positive experience for the following day.  e.g. Have tea with your friend, go to a movie, or go for a walk, etc.

The more we fill our day with opportunities to feel good, our emotions will follow suit.

Log in your journal what you will do today and tomorrow to build one or more positive experiences into your day.  Also log how you feel, having engaged in these positive activities.  Continue this throughout the rest of the challenge.

This will boost your level of happiness and optimism.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso

Day 5 Build Mastery

Day 5:  Build Mastery:

This skill only requires that you pick something to do that is at least somewhat challenging given where you are in your journey at the moment.  It might mean finally getting the closet cleaned out and organized.

Pick something that feels only slightly out of reach or challenging.  It can be a housework task, an arts and crafts project, or making an important phone call that you’ve been putting off.

Once you’ve completed it, you’ve practiced the skill of building mastery.  Notice how you feel.  Often times, we experience a sense of accomplishment and relief.  When we feel more accomplished, we are more likely to continue behaving effectively rather than sabotaging our efforts.

Source(s):

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

by Debbie Corso